Hi, Carolyn: My boyfriend of 10 months has a bestie (word he uses) whom I have never met. They party together and coincidentally she can never meet up when I am out and I am never invited when she is hanging out. I believe he is keeping the space between us because they party together in ways I am concerned about, i.e. certain drugs and staying up all night. This makes me very uncomfortable, which I have expressed numerous times.
I asked to meet her to make it less mysterious, and it hasnt happened. At first he gets defensive when I bring it up and then tells me he will rectify it. He tells me I am going to feel so much better once we meet because Ill realize she is just a friend and shell tell me she has never seen him in love like this or as happy as he is now. My reaction is, well, if so, then why hasnt he made it happen?
Which of course I know because there is something wrong.
Also, I heard from a mutual friend he had a crush on her but she just wanted to stay friends.
There was one night she was going to meet up with us in July, without me asking, he proceeded to prep me and tell me they are just friends and I have nothing to worry about. He has told white lies to cover up when they are together and wont reply to her texts when he is next to me and waits to reply when I cant see it.
My gut tells me he has an issue with the drugs/relationship etc., and thats why he is keeping the space. Either way, its not good.
We have talked about marriage and having kids, which I was very excited about. Obviously my actions are the ones I can count on. Dont know what to do. Frustrated
Frustrated: If youre still with him, then, no, you cant count on your actions, not yet.
This has been going on for months.
And you havent only stuck around, youre talking marriage with him! Despite full awareness of his lying to you and strong suspicion of drug abuse.
The reasons are well past mattering. This is worth spelling out, though: Its not about his having a onetime crush as a bestie. Thats complicating but not automatically disqualifying.
Instead, its about 10 months of his youve-got-to-be-kidding-me efforts to keep you from significant parts of his life. Its about your having to ask for transparency. Its about his refusing you even then.
What matters now, the only thing that matters, is that youve opted to stay with someone who treats you badly, waiting, waiting, waiting for the good things he plainly wont give.
Please, learn to take better care of yourself. Your time, your companionship, your future, your trust, your truth are all gifts. Your self-respect is what keeps you from throwing those gifts away on people who dont deserve them.
If its your pattern to devote yourself to people who mistreat you, then please work on your self-respect in counseling.